The love that passed through here
by FearandLoathingXIX
Summary: How does a person realize they're so in love they could die from it? When your heart longs for them like it was never yours in the first place. No - it was never yours, was it?


Wow, this actually took me a lot longer to complete than I thought it would. Triggered by watching Brokeback Mountain and reading a LOT of Junjou Romantica, my yaoi fingers were just itching to get something done, so I came up with this.

I wanted to come at this pairing from a really pure angle, with very strong feelings and a powerful love, so please let me know how I get on with that. The scene that is depicted in this is based on the content of the first episode/chapter of Junjou Romantica.

* * *

How does a person realize they're so in love they could die from it?

What chain of events lead up to something like that? That sudden realization that you love someone so much it feels like it could kill you; that you are sure you cannot give any more of your heart and body over to loving them without it overloading and stopping completely.

Even when it feels like you love them so much there is nothing left you can give, they simply have to flick their eyes a certain way or do a truly insignificant thing, and your heart goes out to them. Longing for them like it never wanted to be _your _heart in the first place. No – it was never yours, was it?

What do you do, most of all, when you realize this thing has happened to you and there is no way of getting out, not now and not ever, but the person you love has no idea? Not only that, but he is also a boy – just like you are.

There is no protocol for falling heart and soul in love with your best friend, is there? There's no clear way of dealing with that situation.

So what are you going to do?

You try to think of when this happened; when exactly did you start feeling this way? What triggered it?

Could it have been one of his a near-death experiences? Nearly losing him making you realize how you feel?

Well no, that cannot be it. Natsume has been having near-death experiences since he was five years old. He is not known as the 'cat' for no reason, he must have at least nine lives to keep on the way he does.

It couldn't have been a move or action on Natsume's part, because Natsume has no idea how you feel. At least, you don't think so.

What about Natsume falling for someone else? He's in love with the same girl you fell for. You say 'fell' now because although Mikan makes you flustered and you have these awkward feelings for her, you cannot compare it to this love that has claimed your entire heart and locked out all others.

Why did that happen? _How _did that happen? Are you gay, to feel this way about another boy?

Somehow it doesn't seem like the right word. You've tried to think about kissing Natsume or... going further than that, and you never get very far before you start going red and get too embarrassed to continue. It makes you feel weird trying to think dirty thoughts about Natsume while he knows nothing of it. Like you're betraying his friendship.

So you sit and you think and you wrack your brains for _any _kind of indication of when this started. There is one incident that you remember, and that seems to make sense. You were only young, but it is a memory you've always thought of dearly, and maybe that's where some of this began.

You were only young, eleven, maybe twelve? Even at that age though, you'd all been through a lot...

Mikan was leaving.

* * *

They had agreed not to stop her. It was her choice, it was her mother. Mikan needed to do what was right for her, and even though Natsume and he had promised to protect her always it wasn't going to be possible for _everyone _to be by her side always. No, even if it was only temporary they were going to have to let her go.

Ruka knew that it would affect Natsume more than it was affecting him. He was sad, of course, and worried beyond belief, but Mikan was the girl he liked and a dear friend... she wasn't his _saviour_. She wasn't the person who had brought him hope and saved him from himself, he did not _love _her; not like Natsume did, at least.

So he knew that although Natsume was putting on a brave face, he was probably despairing inside. He was good at knowing things like that.

So the night after she had finally gone, when all the mayhem had died down and Mikan was a shadowed face fleeing Tokyo, her hand held tightly in her mother's, Ruka went to find him.

He wasn't in his room, but the window was open so it was obvious enough where he'd gone. Maybe he was staring out over the city and wondering if she was somewhere out there, if possibly he could be looking at her without realizing.

Ruka climbed out onto the roof.

"Ah... it's you," Natsume said coldly as he flicked his gaze over to identify his company.

"How are you?" Ruka asked tentatively; Natsume was fragile, more fragile than he ever let on, so he knew to tread gently.

"Fine," Natsume lied, shrugging his shoulders and leaning back on his hands. "It's not like she's dead or anything."

Ruka sighed. He'd never been easy to deal with like this, but he wouldn't forgive himself if he let Natsume go through this alone.

"You don't have to pretend, Natsume," he said quietly. "I'm not going to judge you for being upset."

"I'm not upset," he snapped a little _too _quickly.

Ruka didn't speak straight away, but went over and sat beside him. Natsume might have been lying about his own feelings, but _he _was definitely feeling sad about letting Mikan leave them; it just wasn't going to be the same without her. If he felt like this, Ruka could only imagine what was going on in Natsume's head.

"It's... not like she'll be gone forever," he reasoned.

"Of course not," Natsume replied.

"She probably won't be away that long anyway," Ruka added.

"Most likely," Natsume concurred; something was likely to bring Mikan and her mother back to Academy before long, but they deserved to take this shot at freedom while they could.

"_Still_..." Ruka urged, trying to coax some emotion out of Natsume before he imploded. The boy in question said nothing, but Ruka could see how tense his body was and how tightly he was holding himself.

"You don't have to be here," Natsume said after a while; a cruel edge in his tone. "I'd... I'd rather be left alone." Sullen and furious under a layer of repression: that was always Natsume.

"I want to be here," Ruka retorted, forcing some authority into his voice instead of the weak tones that he would have otherwise made. "What kind of friend am I if I don't..." he broke off, and the cold wind swept away a silent tear from his cheek.

"I have to... stay by your side, Natsume.... because I know that even though you're saying 'go away' that's not what you want... or what you need... I don't know, I'm not sure, I... _I just_...."

Why words were being so difficult for him tonight he did not know, but he felt that it was hopeless trying to explain anything more at this rate. He'd just end up making it worse. His heart was telling him that he needed to be here for Natsume, but he simply couldn't find the words to explain that to him.

So they sat there awhile in silence, and as Ruka thought more and more about this situation and Mikan and Natsume, whatever had weakened to let that first tear fall broke apart completely, and soon he was sitting there with tears streaming down his face, falling onto his sleeves – he didn't make a sound though, nor did Natsume appear to look at him before he spoke.

"If you're meant to be comforting me, Ruka, why are you the one crying?" he said so softly it was almost mumbling.

"I... don't know," Ruka replied, his voice trembling as he tried not to make any sobbing sounds. "_Someone _has to," he added pathetically, wiping his face on his sleeve and taking a deep breath, although it did not help and he only started to cry harder.

Was it his own loss that he was even crying for? Thinking about it he doubted it; in all reality he was crying for Natsume now – Natsume's loss, and Natsume's suffocating refusal to show his own grief. _Someone _had to cry for him, didn't they? If he couldn't.

He only wished he didn't seem so awfully pathetic doing it, because as time went on it only worsened, and at last he started to make small sob-like sounds every time his breath escaped him.

He wasn't sure how long it was until it happened, but he had been crying long enough for the breeze to sting his eyes quite sharply. For no apparent reason – that is to say there was nothing that triggered it, the situation was a parallel of what it had been ten seconds ago – Natsume lifted an arm and shuffled across to Ruka.

Quickly but firmly, he wrapped his arm around Ruka's shoulders, and pulled him over to lean against his own shoulder.

"_Okay_, _okay_," he seemed to murmur, as he tightened his arm around Ruka and moulded his friend's body comfortingly against his own. Ruka blinked hard and a fresh wave of tears ran down his face, but it was not half a minute before Natsume laid his head down against the crook of Ruka's neck and released a ragged, desperate breath against his skin.

His arm around Ruka tightened still, and what had started as an action of one comforting the other quickly revealed itself for what it truly was, and Natsume silently and tearlessly wept against his friend as the tears themselves fell from Ruka's eyes.

"It's okay," Ruka soothed, begged even; moving his own arm he curled it around Natsume's waist, and Natsume huddled into him even more, hiding his face from view by burying it against Ruka's skin. He sighed and wiped his face with his free arm; although nothing was any better now, he felt relieved, as if he'd managed to do the right thing for once.

It was a long time until either moved from that position on top of the roof. In the end it was Ruka who had to make the first move.

"It's cold," he said, his breath steaming in the bitter night air; they were going to catch something staying out here like this much longer.

"Yeah," Natsume mumbled against his neck; his breathing had calmed now, and he no longer held onto Ruka so desperately. "Yeah it is."

Still, neither moved even after this for some time, but it had to come at some point, so they slowly removed themselves from the embrace and descended back into Natsume's room.

Inside the rush of heat made their fingers tingle and burn; Ruka rubbed his hands together, blinked heavily and then yawned. Crying had worn him out.

"Goodnight," said Natsume, glancing at the door as if to let Ruka know he was released from duty. Although he did not particularly _want _to leave Natsume, Ruka could see that his role was over, and that he should leave them _both _to rest overnight in peace.

"Goodnight," he whispered back, walking away and passing quietly through the door. He was only a few paces down the hallway when he heard it being locked behind him, and although he knew this wasn't a direct offence to him, and that Natsume really _did _just want to be alone; he almost felt like crying again anyway – like Natsume was deliberately trying to force him away.

He put those kind of thoughts out of his mind, and sadly made his way to his own room. He did not sleep much or well that night, his thoughts were entirely possessed with an unstoppable torrent of worries, thoughts and feelings about Natsume and whether he'd done enough for him.

When he did sleep – and dream – there was just one name upon his lips.

* * *

Maybe – looking back – that was when these feelings you bear now began to take root in your heart. That moment seems to be the first you can remember when you really felt like your heart would split in two if you couldn't help Natsume. If you couldn't be near to him somehow – to reach out and touch him, to share his pain.

That embrace, you suspect, set forever the path that your heart was going to take. It is not possible to feel that way and not leave something behind; some mark that a great love had passed through here. Only in your case that mark did not fade or remain the same – ah, no, it _grew_.

It grew and grew until it was not just some special corner of your heart that was reserved to care for Natsume: it was the sole dominating feature, the life and entirety of your capacity to love, given over so helplessly to someone who was so _lost_, so drowned in the darkness, that all this love could be poured over him and he _barely even noticed._

For him, the light is still such a long way off.

You still love him though; you cannot help it anymore.

* * *

Very bittersweet for me, but I'm quite pleased with it. Please leave a review, we need to support yaoi in Gakuen Alice in ALL shapes and forms!

Also hopefully keep your eyes peeled for more chapters to this. I'm planning to make it with several parts, all in this unusual 2nd person-3rd format.

Review! ^.^


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